Hi there! If you are reading this, you probably want to learn more about genderqueer people and what it’s like to be trans in today’s world. We applaud you for that! Asking questions and being curious about people around us helps us grow as people.

Over the years, we met many curious people with questions. However, genderqueer people cannot be expected to satisfy everyone’s curiosity. There are, of course, people like us, queer educators who are happy to give you answers, but we prefer to leave this role at the office as well. We all want to relax in our free time and being asked a lot of questions about your identity can be stressful. Still, we know these questions will remain unanswered until someone provides information.

That is why we created this list of Frequently Asked Questions. For now, it consists of questions one genderqueer person could think of. This is in no way a full list, but it is a start. If you would like us to add something, please contact us.

Down to Basics

What does genderqueer mean?

Genderqueer is a term describing anyone whose experience of gender falls outside societal norms. Some genderqueer people identify with another gender strongly, while others may not feel any connection to gender at all, or their gender identity can be changing over time. In addition to being an identity on its own, genderqueer is a so-called umbrella term, meaning it includes numerous more specific labels.

In this FAQ, we use genderqueer for simplification when we mean trangender, nonbinary, agender, genderfluid, etc.

Are there any questions I should always avoid asking a genderqueer person?

Before you ask a question, think about this: would I say this to someone who isn’t genderqueer? Curiosity makes us forget that certain things are private. Be especially careful when talking about genderqueer people’s bodies and experiences with violence. If you feel the need to get permission for asking a “kind of an invasive question”, it might be best not to ask at all.

This FAQ covers some of the more intrusive questions. That does not make them okay to ask others.

Is being genderqueer a new thing?

Yes and no. In all human history, multiple cultures had different ideas about what gender is and many had more than two words to describe gender identities. The idea of two genders, a man and a woman, is not as old as you might think. The reason why so many people around the world believe in the gender binary now is because it was enforced by Europe as they colonised the world.

However, specific terms for different gender identities that we use today mostly emerged in the last century. Therefore, people only used genderqueer to identify themselves and their communities for a couple of decades. That does not mean people did not have those same experiences before; they just had them in different historical contexts, with different ideas about gender and labels.

Can someone be not cis and not genderqueer either?

Yes. There are many reasons one might not identify with either of these terms, for example:

A person might feel no connection to any gender terms, including cis and trans.
A term of genderqueer is specific to western cultures. If someone was brought up in a nonwestern culture, their idea of gender might be different and, therefore, they might not feel any connection to the label.

We all get to decide which labels to use. Some people choose to embrace labels like trans, nonbinary, etc., while others do not feel any connection to those terms. Some people use multiple words, while others use none. Those are all personal decisions.

What are pronouns?

Pronouns are words you use to refer to someone in a third person. In many languages, pronouns suggest a gender of that person. For this reason, many genderqueer people care about which pronouns you use when you refer to them. Here are some example pronouns:

She/her
They/them
Ze/Zir
He/him

And here are some examples of using someone’s pronouns in a sentence

Mel is late. She missed her bus.
Elliot went to the library. They needed to print their homework
Jessie is not home. Ze is walking zir dog right now
Alex is in the kitchen. He is making his famous lasagna

Sometimes, people who are not used to thinking about their pronouns say that they do not have any. Most often, that is not true; you probably have pronouns, but you never had to think about them before. If you read our explanation and you still have doubts, feel free to contact us!

How do I know which pronouns to use?

If someone didn’t tell you their pronouns yet, ask them: what are your pronouns? Then, continue to use whatever pronouns they give you.

How should I talk about a genderqueer person?

Most importantly, use the name and pronouns this person told you to use. If you are not sure about something, such as which honorifics to use (e.g. Mrs, Mx, Mr, Dr,…), search for information in advance or ask on the side.

How do I introduce myself with my pronouns?

If you are at the event that’s made accessible to genderqueer people, chances are you will be asked to state your own pronoun. Here is an example of how you do it:

Hello, my name is xyz. My pronouns are she/her.

There’s no need to add a third variant (e.g. she/he/hers), everyone will understand what you mean from just the first two. Furthermore, do not just say “the female ones” or “I’m a man”. Gender identity does not determine pronouns so it does not answer the question.

Can someone have multiple pronouns?

Some people use more than one pronouns. For example, a person might say:

Hello, my name is Sydney. My pronouns are he/they.

In case of people who use multiple pronouns at the same time, you can use pronouns interchangeably, using one pronouns in one sentence and another in next.

Some people might also use different pronouns in different situations. If you are ever not sure, it is always better to ask than to assume.

Some people do not care about which pronouns you use to refer to them. They might ask you to use any pronouns for them. You cannot really go wrong there, as long as you remain respectful to the person.

How does someone know they’re genderqueer?

There is no uniform answer to this question. That is because everyone’s story is different. One person could be certain of their gender identity for as long as they could remember, while another could still be questioning it. No genderqueer person’s story makes their identity any more or less valid than others. In the European society, being cis is considered the norm. People are pressured to fit gender norms and information on genderqueer identities is scarce and sometimes even censored. Not everyone feels safe to explore their identity or has language to question it before they become independent adults.

We think that the one important experience that encourages genderqueer people to question and explore their identity is gender euphoria. Gender euphoria happens when we are treated as the gender we are, when we dress how we want to dress, style our hair how we want to, and, for some people, when we see changes caused by hormones and surgeries we chose. Sometimes people describe it as the feeling of pure happiness, while other times it is a calm comfort.

If you are wondering about this, chances are you are questioning your own gender identity. For more information on that, we highly recommend you check out our list of resources. We also have some stories on Instagram where we highlight queer activists and educators of various identities and backgrounds who can help you explore.

What is misgendering? What should I do if I misgender someone?

To misgender someone means to not honour their gender identity. Examples of this can be more obvious, like using the wrong name and pronouns to talk about someone. Sometimes, misgendering is implied, like telling someone they are not welcome at an event “for women and nonbinary people” even though they are nonbinary.

Most often, misgendering is a force of habit. We understand that you might not mean to misgender someone and that once you realise you did, you might be very embarrassed. Here is good news: the less of a deal you make of misgendering someone, the better. If a friend points out you used the wrong name, simply thank them for correcting you and move on. Making a long apology might feel right, but it will put the person you misgendered in a position of comforting you instead of tending to their own emotions about being misgendered.

How should I tell stories about genderqueer people that happened before they came out?

It can feel obvious to use people’s old names (sometimes called deadnames) or pronouns when telling a story from before they came out. We would like you to consider two things before using someone’s old name and pronouns in such a scenario:

Sometimes, genderqueer people do not want others to know they are genderqueer. By telling people your friend’s deadname and old pronouns, you also disclose your friend’s identity.
Your friend’s previous name is their personal information. When you disclose it without their consent, you can expose them to violence from people who would use this information to harm them

We think you should always get consent from someone to disclose their identity and/or their previous name.

Is being genderqueer the same as being intersex?

No. genderqueer and intersex people deal with many similar issues, but being genderqueer is a variation of gender identity, while being intersex is a variation of body characteristics. Some people are both genderqueer and intersex, but one does not automatically suggest the other.

I called a genderqueer person a wrong name/pronouns in a conversation with someone else. Should I tell them and apologise?

No. You might feel guilty about misgendering a friend when you didn’t mean to, but letting them know you did that will only cause them unnecessary discomfort.

I called a genderqueer person something I heard them say and they told me it’s a slur and I shouldn’t say that. If they can say it, why can’t I?

Some genderqueer people choose to reclaim slurs that have been used against them. Reclaiming a slur can be very empowering, but it is entirely that person’s decision. A reclaimed slur should not be used by people who are not a part of the oppressed minority this slur harms. When we use slurs that were used against us, we take power away from these words. However, when others use them, they recreate the violence we face.

Do trans women and femmes experience misogyny?

Yes. Moreover, trans women and femmes experience both transphobia and misogyny, not just as separate, but also as a combination of the two called transmisogyny. This means that in addition to transphobia and misogyny, trans women and femmes experience a combination of the two that is

What does TERF mean?

TERF stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. TERFs demonize genderqueer people as violent and dangerous and paint us as a threat to women. Feminists widely do not recognize TERFs as feminists since their focus remains on hurting gender minorities instead of fighting systems of oppression.

TERF message is not only incorrect, but it is also harmful. Trans/genderqueer people are not dangerous. Quite the opposite, we have been facing a growing rate of aggression of all kinds (1, 2).

If you talk with someone and they act hostile towards trans people, and suggest trans people, especially trans women and femmes, are prone to attack and harass cis women, we strongly advise you to question and fact check any information this person gives you.

Relationships, sex, and romance

Is gender identity the same as romantic/sexual orientation?

No. Gender identity is about what gender the person is. Romantic and sexual orientation are, respectively, about who, if anyone a person wants to date and who, if anyone they want to have sex with.

I am attracted to a genderqueer person. Does this make me gay or bi?

If you are attracted to women and you find yourself attracted to a trans woman, your attraction is perfectly in line with your sexual orientation. Similarly, if you are attracted to men and you find yourself attracted to a trans man, your attraction is in no way out of the ordinary.

If you find yourself attracted to a nonbinary person, that also does not in any way undermine your sexual orientation; nonbinary people are incredibly diverse and, therefore, you may find that you are attracted to a nonbinary person because they are your type, not because of their gender.

How do I talk about a genderqueer person I am seeing?

The best thing you can do is to simply ask if you’re not sure. The most common neutral term is partner. If this isn’t working for you, you can brainstorm different ideas together or come up with something completely new.

How do genderqueer people have sex?

There is no simple answer to this question, simply because genderqueer people vary widely in what they do or do not like in bed, just like everyone else.

If you are wondering about this, chances are you would like to have sex with a trans person you like but you’re not sure where to start. Alternatively, you might be trans yourself and you don’t know how to establish your boundaries. The best advice we can give you is: talk about it. Have a nice romantic evening or, if that’s more of your thing, a quick talk before you hook up. Start a conversation: where would you like me to touch you? What is off limits? How do you like to have sex? As you go on, inform them of your own boundaries as well. Listen to what they tell you and respect their wishes.

Remember that if they said yes one day does not mean they will say yes next time. Additionally, if you said yes to something but in the moment you change your mind, you have every right to say no.

A friend told me they’re t4t. What does this mean?

T4t refers to trans for trans. It’s the term genderqueer people sometimes use to communicate they are interested in relationships with other genderqueer people.

There are many reasons why people decide to enter t4t relationships: mutual understanding, shared experiences, a sense of safety, etc.

Sources

Explanation of terms

Cisgender (cis) – having a gender identity that matches a (binary) gender assigned at birth. A cis person is someone who feels comfortable being perceived as the gender they were assigned when they were born, having certain body characteristics assigned with this gender, and think about themselves as their gender assigned at birth.

Cisnormative – the assumption that all human beings are cisgender (either a cis man or a cis woman).

Gender assigned at birth – a gender that was assigned to you when you were born and put on your birth certificate/official documents, often based on the look of your genitals.

Gender dysphoria – a feeling of distress and discomfort caused by being perceived, having certain body characteristics, and thinking patterns that are not in line with one’s gender identity, e.g. being misgendered, having/not having facial hair, using your own deadname in your head.

Gender euphoria – a feeling of happiness and comfort caused by being perceive, having certain body characteristics, and thinking patterns that are in line with one’s gender e.g. being correctly gendered, choosing a new hairstyle, finding a label that fits your identity.

Gender identity – how you identify your gender internally and how you relate to gender norms in a society.

Genderqueer – an umbrella term for any gender identity that falls outside of (cisnormative) societal norms, also used as an identity by itself.

Misgendering – addressing or referring to someone in a way that is not in line with their gender identity, either intentionally or unintentionally, e.g.: using wrong name and pronouns, including someone in a “girls group” or “guys group” against their identity, questioning someone’s sexuality because of their attraction to a genderqueer person

Neopronouns – third-person pronouns that were invented relatively recently to reflect genderqueer identities, e.g.: xe/xir, ey/em.

Nonbinary – an umbrella term for any gender identity that falls outside of the gender binary, also used as an identity by itself.

Pronouns – words used to refer to someone instead of a noun or a name. In many languages, pronouns reflect one’s gender so they are important to many genderqueer people. For example, in English recognised third person pronouns are she/her, he/him, and they/them. Some pronouns are not officially recognised (see neopronouns)

Romantic orientation – which gender(s), if any, you would like to have a romantic relationship with and/or do romantic activities with.

Sexual orientation – which gender(s), if any, you would like to sexually interact with.

Trans*, transgender – an umbrella term for anyone whose gender identity differs from a gender assigned at birth.

Transfeminine, transmasculine – Someone who identifies, either fully or partially, with a binary gender (man/woman) different from a gender they were assigned at birth.

Trans man – a person who currently identifies as a man and was assigned a different gender at birth

Trans woman – a person who currently identifies as a woman and was assigned a different gender at birth

A Very Queer FAQ